Hemmericks
by HookahSocialism
Summary: Rick gets a space period and its a bloody mess.


Morty is walking by and hears Rick screaming on the toilet.

"Aww fuck that hurts...oww! Shit!"

Morty knocks and puts his ear next to the door.

"R...Rick you ok in there? I mean I know you're old and old people have bathroom troubles so..."

"Just go away Morty! Grandpa is basically going through his period right now!"

"Oh geez Rick. I mean I am no expert on biology but I know men cant have periods."

"Thats very cis-centric (belch) of you Morty... wanna go to some terf tumblr blog and get rejected by women who force themselves to be lesbians because they are so out of touch with reality?"

All of a sudden the doot opens and a sneering little devil with a pitchfork runs out leaving behind a trail of blood.

"Crap Morty! One of them has escaped! Get a broom or something..."

"Oh geez Rick! Does...does this happen to everyone on their period?!"

"I was speaking hyperbally Morty... I (belch) I have space hemmeroids. In one of our adventures I must have ruptured a vein, got an infection, and well...those things are parasites that feed off my anus blood until they grow up."

Summer starts screaming.

"Annnnd than they feed off the screams of women."

The little devil is dancing on the table splattering blood all over the place. Rick pulls out a laser gun and nukes the red devil thing.

"You might wanna clean yourself off Summer...I (belch) I doubt you can catch it but its probably not a good idea to have that blood all over you."

"Grandpa, your blood from the veins of your anus turns into cartoon devils?!"

"Don't act so shocked..."

Beth and Jerry start screaming and are huddling eachother ontop of the couch as the devils try to prick them with their pitchforks.

Morty screams at Rick

"You said there was one!"

"I said one of them escaped. My ass is still bleeding Morty...theres probably a few (belch) hundred. they'd be a lot bigger if I didnt thin out my blood with alcoholism."

One of the devils pierces Jerry in the foot with his pitchfork and laughs "Jerry is caca!"

As Jerry whimpers Rick tells him:

"Just step on them Jerry... they're basically cockroaches with a toddler vocabulary."

Morty intterupts:

"Guys we've got bigger problems..."

Outside cars are crashing, kiddy pools being popped with pithforks, one of them is pulling a woman's hair, all the the gremlins movie music.

They all look at Rick

"Ok (belch) at least half of those arent mine...someone else has hemmerhoids and it has to be someone in this household."

They all immediately look at Jerry. Jerry crosses his arms.

"I dont have hemmerhoids."

Beth reminds him he did a few weeks back when they experimented with a dildo up his ass.

"Okkkk (belch) I think the kids would rather we hunt down and eliminate all the devils from grandpa's ass than think about Jerry's questionable sexuality..."

"It...IT WAS BETH'S IDEA!"

Rick nods

"I believe you Jerry... Summer get grabdpa's laser gun stash out of the second drawyer..."

"Way ahead of you."

She tosses one to Beth and Morty. Jerry feels leftout

"Hey what about me?!"

Summer tosses him a broom.

As they go around shooting blood devils making a big mess with each splatter. They begin to hear a rumble...

"Oh (belch) shit..."

They look up and a giant blood dribbling red dragon makes Godzilla noises and smashes a car with its tail.

Rick doesnt stop looking and commands:

"Shoot it shoot it SHOOT IT!!!"

They give it everything they have and the dragon breathes a big cone of blood all over them.

Morty covered the most. With only his eyes showing says

"No amount of therapy is going to undo this..."

"On the plus side Morty (belch) this is proof Jerry has been sticking to his keto diet. Im...Im almost proud of him!"

Jerry inhales deeply than exhales.

"This is my fault and my responsibility! I gotta save my kids!"

He does a crucifix hand gesture and goes up to the dragon and waves the broom at it.

"Go on...get outta here! Shoo!"

"This is a big step (belch) for Jerry guys... try to be supportive."

"Shoo SHOO!"

The dragon turns around and walks away. its tail smacks Jerry in the face and he falls on his bum moaning in agony. As he does a red devil crawls out of his ass snickering and Rick shoots it leaving a splattered mess on Jerry.

As Jerry shudders, Rick looks at everyone.

"All this expenditure of essential nutrients and shooting blood demons has made me hungry...whose in the steak?! Big (belch) bloody steak at Applebees...Grandpa's treat!"

Summer says

"I could go for some steak..."

Morty next

"Yeah, dad lost like 20lbs in three weeks... I'll cut my carbs too so make sure they send coleslaw insteaf of uhhhh mashed potatoes."

Beth just crosses her arms and looks away

"Well if its your treat dad, skip the steak and just order me two bloody Marys."

"YE-HEEEAH (belch) wubba lubba Applebees steak!!!!"

Jerry just puts out his arms

"WHAT THE BLOODY HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?!"


End file.
